George Carlin Quotes

Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
- George Carlin


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George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes


Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.



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George Carlin Quotes - Don't Blame Me

George Carlin Quotes

Don't Blame Me
Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.

Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.

And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.
Source: George Carlin's official Web site

George Carlin Quotes - Stuff

George Carlin Quotes - Stuff

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
- George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
- George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
- George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
- George Carlin

Funny Quotes
Funny Jokes

George Carlin Quotes - Honesty and Dishonesty

George Carlin Quotes - Honesty and Dishonesty

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes - Present Past Future

George Carlin Quotes - Present Past Future

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin


Lots more quotes available here:

Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes
Famous Quotes

George Carlin Quotes - Fighters

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- George Carlin

Separation of Church and State

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes - Weather Forecast

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin